Cuddles, few and far between

Caleb is an active little boy. He loves to run around, to find his toys and bring them to you, to turn the pages in the book faster than you can read. For the past two nights when Brian has walked in the door, Caleb has run past Brian (who used to get a hug!) and immediately to his ride-on Thomas the Train. The meaning is clear: "Welcome home Daddy! Push me! No, no hugs, down, down, push, push, choo choo!"

We like to think we sleep trained Caleb not to need to be rocked to sleep or have someone with him, but truly, I think he's just an independent kid. I love that about him, but it has one serious drawback: a lack of cuddles. My child does not cuddle. If he's going to sleep, you better put him in his bed, otherwise, get a book, he needs something to do.

This morning Caleb woke up crying with his third or fourth wet diaper - thinking we need to go up a size on the overnight with that one. It was 5 am, an hour before we usually wake him up, and my turn to get up with him. Close enough to morning, he was hungry as well, so we got a bottle and sat back down in the rocker. I haven't been up with him in the dark hours for a few months now- he's been sleeping through the night consistently since September. The quiet of the house settled on us as we rocked, him finishing his bottle, the comfort of being warm, dry, fed and snuggled into Mama's robe lowering his eyelids just the slightest. I pulled him against me and for 15 or 20 minutes we rocked there, his little head with all its thick hair against my arm, fingers gently stroking his blankie, not quite asleep but not ready to play. I felt my phone start to wake up in my robe pocket, the predictable text, call, email loop that meant his school was sending us an urgent message. Was school closed again? (No. They were letting us know.) I heard Brian get up and get in the shower, knowing he'd had to take over with Caleb to let me get ready soon. I felt Caleb's breathing go slow and steady, his little body resting, reading itself for the day.

In the hurried mornings, in the evenings, in the waiting for Brian to get home "Mommy can't pick you up right now, she's working on dinner" moments, it's so hard to get these precious opportunities. It's such a mom cliche to say "it goes so fast!" but it does. At this time last year I was still on maternity leave, Caleb was 5 weeks old, still sleeping everywhere, not yet rolling or giggling or saying "All done!" If I could see him never cuddling again, would I have sleep trained him so well? Probably, it pays off 90% of the time. But I'd take a few more dark mornings with him not quite awake if I had my choice.

8 weeks before last frost

Planted:
Lettuce, Kale, Broccoli, Red Onions, Yellow Onions, Parsley, Cilantro, Red Cabbage, Red Bell Peppers and Eggplant.
Everything has sprouted except the herbs, peppers and eggplant.

Outside: Completely frozen over! Those in-ground seeds are going to have to wait a few more weeks...

The Longest Week

Last Sunday, February 1^st, we Skyped with Brian’s family, like usual. I think just his parents were home at the time and we caught up on the house organizing and my upcoming birthday. I was looking forward to getting Caleb back into his routine after being sick and out of school much of the week before. 

On Monday morning we woke up to the text message from Brian’s family. “Call as soon as you’re up.” Brian’s beloved grandmother, who had been in hospice care at home, had passed away in the night. With that, we were off and running: notifying our workplaces, waiting for plans to be made, making travel decisions, packing suitcases, waiting to leave. We drove into the middle of Tuesday night, climbing over the Blue Ridge Mountains under a full moon. 

Wednesday was a blur of family in the midst of meals, naptimes and a lovely service. 

Thursday was travel again. I have to brag, Caleb is a superior traveling baby. He either slept or looked out the window the entire trip. It was like there wasn’t a baby in the back seat! Driving away was hard. We’re well aware of the need for support with our family right now and we had to comfort ourselves with the fact that we are not the only supporters for my in-laws. The trip home was painful and we finally distracted ourselves with Mindy Kaling’s book on tape, which made us laugh in a difficult time.

On Saturday we spent the day at the house with my family, including my little sister who flew in from LA late on Thursday night for a planned visit. We cleaned up the house, made two kinds of chili and two kind of cake, put artwork and pictures up on the wall and readied ourselves for a celebration of my birthday, which was Friday, with our new Nashville friends. I was so grateful for new friends who showed up to celebrate, but it was an emotional rollercoaster. 

My emotions have felt brittle this week, easy to break at the slightest provocation. It’s hard to go from the low of losing a family member to the high of a birthday celebration with cake and candles. I’m not sure we’re meant to handle that easily. 

On Sunday we Skyped with Brian’s family again. This time my in-laws were joined by my brothers and sister-in-law and our cousins and aunt and uncle. It was so good to see everyone’s face in the screen, looking like themselves and laughing. I’m grateful for all the ways we can connect and the fact that it was an easy decision to pack up the car and head to North Carolina for the funeral. That would have been a different conversation if we were still living in Milwaukee. It was also nice to have my parents ready to feed and comfort us when we got back to Nashville. I’m so glad for the support system that holds us together. It is invisible sometimes, like it’s made of thin fishing wire, but in the midst of the night of our souls it becomes glow-in-the-dark, lighting the path home.