Cuddles, few and far between

Caleb is an active little boy. He loves to run around, to find his toys and bring them to you, to turn the pages in the book faster than you can read. For the past two nights when Brian has walked in the door, Caleb has run past Brian (who used to get a hug!) and immediately to his ride-on Thomas the Train. The meaning is clear: "Welcome home Daddy! Push me! No, no hugs, down, down, push, push, choo choo!"

We like to think we sleep trained Caleb not to need to be rocked to sleep or have someone with him, but truly, I think he's just an independent kid. I love that about him, but it has one serious drawback: a lack of cuddles. My child does not cuddle. If he's going to sleep, you better put him in his bed, otherwise, get a book, he needs something to do.

This morning Caleb woke up crying with his third or fourth wet diaper - thinking we need to go up a size on the overnight with that one. It was 5 am, an hour before we usually wake him up, and my turn to get up with him. Close enough to morning, he was hungry as well, so we got a bottle and sat back down in the rocker. I haven't been up with him in the dark hours for a few months now- he's been sleeping through the night consistently since September. The quiet of the house settled on us as we rocked, him finishing his bottle, the comfort of being warm, dry, fed and snuggled into Mama's robe lowering his eyelids just the slightest. I pulled him against me and for 15 or 20 minutes we rocked there, his little head with all its thick hair against my arm, fingers gently stroking his blankie, not quite asleep but not ready to play. I felt my phone start to wake up in my robe pocket, the predictable text, call, email loop that meant his school was sending us an urgent message. Was school closed again? (No. They were letting us know.) I heard Brian get up and get in the shower, knowing he'd had to take over with Caleb to let me get ready soon. I felt Caleb's breathing go slow and steady, his little body resting, reading itself for the day.

In the hurried mornings, in the evenings, in the waiting for Brian to get home "Mommy can't pick you up right now, she's working on dinner" moments, it's so hard to get these precious opportunities. It's such a mom cliche to say "it goes so fast!" but it does. At this time last year I was still on maternity leave, Caleb was 5 weeks old, still sleeping everywhere, not yet rolling or giggling or saying "All done!" If I could see him never cuddling again, would I have sleep trained him so well? Probably, it pays off 90% of the time. But I'd take a few more dark mornings with him not quite awake if I had my choice.