Saying No

There are some things I'm really good at saying no to:
Does it require driving around town on the weekends? No.
Can you watch more tv? No.
Would you like to attempt to induce labor by walking around in 100 degree heat with me? Not if you paid me.

But there are a lot of things that I find myself opening my mouth to say "yes" to, even if I know I shouldn't.
Can you teach Sunday School the month you're due? Sure!
Would you like to join the new Worship committee, even though you're already serving on Missions, and in seminary, and about to have 2 kids? Heck yeah!
Can you skype in to our Seminary retreat a week or so after you have a baby? Of course, they just sleep all the time at that point anyway!

I have also had to nearly physically restrain myself from offering to be the new chair for the Missions committee (don't do it, don't do it, don't do it), and from offering to teach Sunday School in the coming weeks. (Again, do you remember life with a newborn? No? There's a reason why.)

In general, I am an overachiever who thinks my schedule can handle basically everything, even with tossing a new baby in there. Only overachievers take on master degrees + working full time + little kids at home. And last year was fine, it was great, in fact. I enjoyed all my classes, I got great grades, it wasn't easy but it was so worth it. I have an entire year of seminary under my belt. It feels like quite the accomplishment.

When we decided to try for a second baby, the idea was that hopefully we could have this baby after General Conference, and before I started school for year 2. That really gave us a window of June to July and thankfully we managed to make it work. I assumed I'd go up to United in early-mid September to start my semester with a Spiritual Formation retreat. Having a baby sometime in July would still let us travel in September. It wasn't until after I got pregnant that I saw the new schedule for the school year. This year, the retreat was moved up by six weeks. It was now August 2nd. And I am due July 16th. "There's no way," I thought. "There's no way I can travel to Ohio the first week of August. What if she's late, like Caleb was??" I arranged to Skype into the retreat as I was available. "No problem," I thought. "I'll just do it between feedings. It'll be fine."

Earlier this week I got the pre-work and syllabus. All of sudden, with less than 2 weeks to go in my pregnancy, I have a paper to write and a couple books to read. And you know what I don't want to do this weekend, even if I'm not in labor? Write a paper. Read academic books. Nor do I want to attempt to juggle a newborn, feeding, diapers, attempting to eat a meal myself, and trying to video conference and available to my classmates a week or so after I leave the hospital. It's just not a good idea. It's the same feeling I got when I tried to start the candidacy process in the Wisconsin conference and came up against a number of road blocks. That's when I know that God is asking me to slow down and look closely at what I'm trying to do. Rethink things. Is there a better (usually easier) way? Where is God directing me? It took reading that syllabus to realize that God was saying "slow down. You can come back to this. Take a real maternity leave for goodness sake. It is a gift."

I called my seminary yesterday with a pit in my stomach, asking to put a hold on my Spiritual Formation class for the year, and pick it up again next fall. It was hard to admit to myself, and to my program director, that I just want the month of August to snuggle my baby girl. Watch the Olympics. Nap. More snuggles. But I almost didn't get the sentence of "If it's not a big deal on your end to pick this up next year" out before he was affirming my decision. "We really wanted you to be in the driver's seat on this, but I'm so glad you came to this decision." They were just waiting for me to call and them I needed to put myself and my family first. I was so relieved when I got off the phone. No skyping in. No trip up to Ohio with a 5 or 6 week old. As my mom pointed out, God was providing for our family before I even knew to ask.

I'm still going to do school this year, and take a full 9 hour class load, but those won't start until mid-September, when life has settled down a little bit. In meantime I'm looking forward to those hours on the couch with baby June like I remember with Caleb.

The Highs and Lows of Parenting, contained in 1 short hour

Last night was a great example of the highs and lows of parenting an independent toddler. We sat down to dinner around 6:15. It was a pretty great dinner, I'll say. A potato-salmon hash, with leftover steaks and scrambled eggs. I upped the ante on the eggs with some truffle salt, a gift from my sister. She recently visited from LA and brought us some goodies from an "LA-made" market, including a set of flavored salts and some onion-garlic jam. Brian and I ate the steak with the jam, which Caleb demanded to try. He loved it too, and dipped his steak pieces into the savory jam, ate up all his eggs and I got up to scramble another batch for the three of us. We laughed over our little foodie kid, who loves dipping his food into any condiment.

Then Caleb and Brian ramped up playtime, roughhousing and shooting basketball until it was...time for bath. We told Caleb numerous times it was time for bath, to be met with "No, it's NOT time for bath!" and continued play. I finally ran his bath, we wrestled him out of his clothes, and that's when the low portion of the evening started. Bath was a crying disaster, brushing teeth was a crying disaster, reading a book was a crying disaster, bedtime was a mix of Brian and I trading off a book, a kiss, a hug, a good-night song, and finally, finally, silence.

Watching your kid break down because they cannot handle moving from playtime to bedtime is just rough. You can almost see the synapses refuse to process. They exhibit confusion, (A bath?? Again?? Just like every other night, what are you talking about?), betrayal (Mommy!! Mommmmy! Only to find that Mommy isn't going to relent either), and finally, flat out exhaustion.

We finished up "bedtime" around 7:30 or so and I know I personally felt 2 things: like a really shitty parent, and also, as I cleaned up the massive amount of cars, trucks, and trains scattered across the living room, like making a drop off to Goodwill. (Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, no more toys. We are FULL UP.) I was also exhausted and out of energy for anything I had possibly planned for the reminder of the evening.

Parenting a two-year is hard, hard work, y'all. It's constant and never ending. I may be misremembering, but it's way harder than parenting a baby. How much good behavior should I try to instill? Where do I draw the line on letting him be a little boy? How do I reconcile the kid who leads us in prayer at mealtime with the one who lashes out in the bathtub? Does he know I love him if I've been fighting with him for a solid 30 minutes before bed?

While I know this is a phase I can't control, I have a couple thoughts. One, he's not waking up as tired in the mornings, so it might be time to try actually pushing his bedtime back a little bit. Right now it's lights off by 7:20-7:30, and he might be able to handle 15 minutes later. Second, cutting down on the high-energy play after dinner. It's hard because Brian gets a very short window of time in the evenings with him, but we might need to keep it a little less wild.

We'll see how all this changes when Baby June enters the mix this summer and we figure out how to be a family of four.

A Long Stretch of Quality Time

Brian left this morning for 2 and 1/2 weeks in Portland, OR, serving the United Methodist Church at our quadrennial General Conference. I'm serving the church too, by staying home and holding down the fort with our son.

I've been dreading this trip for months now. 30 weeks pregnant, alone with our toddler for 2+ weeks of the morning routine, the bedtime routine, dinner + dishes + laundry + outdoor chores.

But this morning, as I woke up from a nightmare about our house being broken into, I decided I needed to have a change of heart and a change of thought about this time. So I roused myself and Caleb, put on cartoons for him while I showered and got dressed, and decided to get us out into the beautiful day before it got really hot out. We went to our local coffee shop here in our small town for iced chai (me) and a blueberry "nuffin" (for Caleb). Then we went to the park. Caleb conquered the tallest slide on the playground, and we saw our next door neighbors and watched their son play soccer. Caleb was entranced by all the running up and down the field!

I realized somewhere between the iced chai and watching Caleb giggle down the slide that this is my last stretch of time where it's going to be just me and him. When Brian gets back it will be all hands on deck in preparation for June to make her mid-summer arrival. But right now I can't put together furniture or paint her room, so it's just Caleb and I, getting in our quality Mom & Son time.

I'm thankful and lucky to have our so-called village helping during this stretch. I let our neighbors know that Brian was gone so they can keep an extra watchful eye on the house, and I asked for help getting out our garbage can and mowing the lawn. I'm setting up weekend playdates for Caleb and I, and my sister is coming for the last week. It also looks like my mother-in-law might come to stay for a few days. People have offered to send over meals or babysit. I'm also grateful to have such an easy-going little boy, who's willing to entertain himself for long stretches of time or play while I rest and watch "a cooking show."

I'll try to pop back in and let you know how our one on one time progresses!

Long Overdue Check-in

I already used the line "I didn't mean to be away this long," right?

Truly, I didn't.

It's become clear to me that I need one outlet for writing, and one alone. Since September that outlet has been seminary. But that means I haven't kept up with Caleb updates, a pregnancy announcement, spring gardening activity, what we're eating, anything.

So I'm back, and hoping spring will propel me to write a little bit more in this space. No promises though.

Caleb
Caleb's 2 years old. In fact, he turned 2 years old in January, so he's now 26 months. That kid is ball of personality. His verbal skills are off the charts, especially for a boy his age. (Only family reads this, so I can brag, right?) I couldn't begin to guess how many words he knows, it's in the hundreds. He speaks in full sentences/paragraphs, just as we guessed he might do. He can hold a full conversation with you, which makes this stage really fun. My favorite phrase of his might be "Hold my hand, Daddy/Mommy." He uses that when we're headed down to the garage. I don't carry him up and down stairs anymore, so we make him hold hands to walk down the stairs. His little voice asking us to hold his hand is just too cute.

 His latest trick is balancing on the top of his sit and spin.

We're about to move him into a big boy bed, if we can only pull the trigger on that purchase! He's been trying to climb into his crib at night. Thankfully he doesn't try to climb OUT of it!

 Our new-to-us minivan has a DVD player. Caleb was mesmerized on our road trip to NC.

He continues to be a really happy and loving little boy. He adores his grandparents and extended family. He gets good reports on his behavior at day care, and he likes to tell me what activities he did and who he played with. He's a toddler, so yes, we see stubbornness and pickiness and we're trying to get rid of his pacifer, but in general, he's a great easy kid. 

5 months pregnant

June
Our daughter is due in the middle of July. (No, not in June. We just like the name June.) I've been pregnant for most of my first year of seminary, which has been challenging, but not too bad. We're thrilled to be expecting a girl- I was convinced we'd have boys forever and ever, but the sickness in my first trimester should have tipped me off. I feel like I'm be able to pinpoint on boy or girl in future pregnancies depending on if I'm sick or not. Otherwise the pregnancy has been pretty easy, and I'm looking forward to a warm-weather maternity leave this time around.

 Tomatoes, peppers, parsley, basil, cotton

The Garden
I will freely admit that I have next to no energy for gardening this year. Seminary + pregnancy = very little energy left over. But that doesn't mean I don't have 30 some-odd seedlings in the basement already started, with plans to start more this weekend. I'll be planting my fenced-in garden as well as two big beds in front of the house. I ignored the bed along the front of the house last year, letting it get weedy and gross. Then in the middle of summer we had a big delivery of fill dirt put in, to try to alleviate water pooling down into our basement and garage. When that happened, I asked the guy to use the front bucket of his small bulldozer to plow up the grass directly in front of our porch, so that I could use it as a garden bed as well. (This was a surprise to Brian, but he saw my mother's garden before he married me and knew I had the gardening bug. He should have seen tearing up the grass coming. Plus that's less he has to mow.) I've got three azaleas in there now, and a lemon thyme plant that overwintered nicely. I noticed some hosta coming up in that bed too, it must have been gardened at some point. My mint came back in full force in the other bed. So those front two beds will be a mix of flowers, herbs and vegetables, some edible landscaping, if you will. I also noticed the rhubarb and peony plant has come back up as well in our back yard.

That's about it- I may post a seminary and ministry update soon. I'm halfway through my second semester and so far classes are going well and I'm feeling good about continuing down this path.

Caleb, 20 Months

At Caleb's 18 month well-baby check-up, his pediatrician asked me to guess how many words he knows. Maybe I wrote about this already? I guessed 15. Thinking about it later, I was definitely low, but either way, she assured me that by Caleb's behavior in the visit, he was on the verge of a vocabulary explosion.

And man, was she right!! 

 Last night Brian and I lay in bed and tried to count how many words Caleb says.

Rice

Read

Moon

Airplane, Acorn, Abby (they sound exactly the same, so you have to use context clues.)

 Truck

Bus

Swing

Outside!

Football, touchdown, tackle, BOOM!

Watch 

Ohio

And many, many more. (More??) It blows our mind everyday. He know all the major body parts, and is starting on what I might consider "advanced:" cheeks, elbow. He counts to five. He knows all our extended family's names. Animal sounds are out of this world.

His teachers are teaching him Spanish, and report that he has a very high interest in both English and Spanish vocabulary. Right now his most common spanish words are Rana (frog) and Cuatro (four).

We were well above fifty when we stopped counting.

I'm sure every parent lays awake, in awe of their kid's learning skills. We watched Caleb turn on the tv by himself yesterday morning. He asked for football.

I'm not sure if all kids are like this, but Caleb just loves to try on new words. He repeats everything. It's such a privilege to walk along side him, and guide him, as he continues to grow up and learn new skills.

Doing a New Thing

Well I certainly didn't mean to be away this long. I was homesick, then I ate a ton of Swedish pancakes, the weather changed, and I went off to seminary in Ohio.

One of those things is not like the other, right?

I started Seminary this past week. We kicked off with a bang, a mess of first year students ranging from their mid-twenties to...fifties? sixties? I think we all arrived with our doubts, our unknowns, our uncertainty. We were told we had responded to an invitation from God, like God had sent us a vellum backed invitation via white dove:

God, the Son and the Holy Spirit cordially invites you to:
A New Life
September 14, 2015
8am
Christ UMC

Please RSVP (yes)

Can't you just see it with a olive branch motif around the edges?

We were told we had been split into groups that would be diverse. I found myself the youngest in my group by 14 years. The only person not licensed for ministry, not pastoring a church. The only white girl. I called Brian halfway through the first day, on the verge of tears. "I feel like I have nothing to contribute," I told him. He talked me down, assuring me that my age and experience were an illusion- I still had graces from God that would be a gift to the group. I presented the prework I had done to my group that afternoon: an oral telling of a spiritually significant event. I, of course, had written mine out in its entirety, like a manuscript preacher would. I didn't want to forget an important point. I didn't want to mess up my words. I didn't want to look stupid and inexperienced. I won't lie: I worked really hard, for weeks, on this piece of writing and storytelling. 

When the woman sitting to my left invited me to share, I pulled out my papers and slowly found my voice. I had read this out loud before, practicing in the car. I tried to think of it as a gift to my group members: I was letting them in on a really rough point in my life, and they would know me and my story better after hearing it. I was only person reading fully from a manuscript, and I tried not to let that affect me. The assignment had clearly stated we could bring notes, and I had read the assignment probably 20 times. (I had also read all the books for this class ahead of time, but that's neither here nor there.) I summoned all twenty years of acting experience and told my story.

I won't go into a "humblebrag." I'll state a full on brag: I received praise. I was told I had a gift for writing, and storytelling. For preaching. I haven't received affirmation like that since college- I felt like I was absolutely in my right place. My group leaders and members prayed over me, thanking God for my presence with them, affirming my call to ministry, asking God to remove obstacles from path, lifting me up as a beloved daughter of God.

The entire week was one affirming moment after another. I met my two professors for my online classes. I heard inspiring preaching. I was anointed. I saw God's plan unfold for something I had been worried about. I spent most of the morning worship service on the second day in tears, singing "Bless the Lord, Oh my Soul," knowing that this was right move for me. Seminary, United, my call to be a leader, to speak God's Holy word, learning to bless the Lord.

I did a fair amount of note-taking that week, so I won't go into it all here, but I wanted to capture what the first week of seminary felt like, when I feel like I'm lost and drowning. The closer I got to leaving for Ohio, the more my excitement to start school ebbed. I had some issues at work concerning school and I began to think this had been a terrible, horrible idea. What if I couldn't handle the workload, and my family suffered? What if I put our family in debt for nothing? How would I tell my colleagues I was not called to ministry, it had been a mistake.

I thought, perhaps, I should just take up quilting, instead of the immense undertaking of graduate school.

In the denomination I grew up in, we call that nasty voice "mortal mind." Some call it the devil, the tempter, the evil. In truth, it was nothing but mortal mind asking me to take up quilting instead of ministry. God's voice was so loud last week, drowning out the doubts and concerns. I didn't realize how desperately I needed last week until I stood in that church feeling the Christ, the Holy Spirit, there with us, blessing each of us as we claimed our place as leaders in the Kingdom.

Bless the Lord, oh my Soul...There's a new day dawning...

Caught Somewhere In the Middle

Homesickness is a funny thing.

I haven't written much about this recently. It can come off as complain-y. Instead, I write emails to my best friend who's dealing with the same affliction. Nevertheless homesickness has come on strong in the past few weeks. I blame the sale of my parents' house, my "home" in Wisconsin, in Wisconsin, my house, which I miss so very much and didn't realize how attached I had become until I left. This is where the complain-y part comes in, you see, my parents are moving here, right down the road. We'll see them once a week, at least, again. They will babysit when Caleb gets sick unexpectedly, or we need a night out. My mom will call me from the grocery store, a call that evolves from "these cherries are on sale, and look really good, do you want me to pick you a bag?" and ends with "we're having roast for dinner, do you guys just want to come over?" and I'll say "yes!" I'm so very, very glad they will be here.

But all of a sudden I have no home in Wisconsin. Wisconsin! A place I did not think I was attached to, because I hate the Packers and I love Southern cooking. Right? And yet, I'm terribly, terribly homesick and the week before last was the worst, holding back tears at the office, feeling all the feelings about losing the home when I got dressed for 2 proms, packed for college, came home from my first date with my husband (and lots of other first dates!), got ready for my wedding and my son took his first steps. Feelings, so very many feelings.

My friends who visited (from Wisconsin!) asked me "What's your favorite part about living in Tennessee?" and in my homesick mind my first thought was "Well, we have jobs. And that's about it." It was snarky and I didn't say it out loud. There are plenty of things I like about Tennessee: springtime, the longer growing season, live music everywhere, lots of bbq. I could counter with all the things that I'd prefer in Wisconsin: the summer, sweet corn & tart cherries, fish fries, snow at Christmas, my home church that I still miss, the ability to pronounce all the funny Indian names of towns that we don't have down here.

I find myself caught in the middle in the kitchen. I recently picked up The New Midwestern Table, by Amy Thielen, who lives in the Northern reaches of Wisconsin. I made Swedish Pancakes, a dish popularized at a restaurant in Door County with goats on the roof. I've now made them twice, they are exceedingly easy. They are a definite cure for some of the homesick blues.

They definitely had a Southern twang served with Bourbon Poached Peaches instead of Lingonberries. My sister has strict instructions to bring some with her from IKEA.

Also, this cookbook is amazing, it's on my Christmas list. I will be checking it out from the library repeatedly until then. Every recipe I've tried is outstanding, they have obviously been thoroughly tested and well written.

But then, yesterday, I stopped at the farm stand in town. It sets up on T/Th/Sat and has a small variety of fruits and vegetables. It's not everything I might find at a farmer's market, but what it lacks in variety, it makes up for in convenience. I can pull right up to the tent, leaving the car running with Caleb and grab a handful of things for dinner. Everything is $2 a pound, grown in a small town just west of us, maybe 20 minutes away or so. The Southern part of my heart thrilled to see a basket of okra. I was introduced to okra, fried, in college in Texas. Brian loves it and I hoped Caleb might see it as a version of a french fry (he didn't, but he did at least try it twice). I took it, and some exceedingly nice plums and passed on the peaches, but might go back later this week because peaches are only here for so long! I fried it up, sans recipe, because I can fry okra with my eyes closed. And that makes me feel a little bit more at home here. 

Simple Fried Okra

I like okra cut longwise, into long strips as you see above. They've easier to pick up and less work than the small rounds you often see. 

1 handful okra, or however much you want to feed your family. I do not enjoy reheated fried okra, so I try to fry just enough for the one meal.

 

Wet: 1 egg + a nice splash of meat + cajun seasoning. Whisk together. I would add something spicy if I weren't trying to get Caleb to try it. You could also use salt and pepper instead of the cajun season if you prefer, but go easy with the salt. You can always salt them later, hot out of the oil.

Dry: Equal parts self-rising flour and cornmeal. I like the yellow cornmeal. You could use All-Purpose flour, I liked the way the self-rising flour made the breading extra puffy. 

Bring a heavy pot with about an inch of oil up to frying temperature. I used Peanut oil, Canola or Vegetable is also fine. I didn't tend to use a themometer here. I just turn the heat on high and keep an eye on it- you want it to shimmer, not smoke. Flick in a little of the flour mixture to test it. When it start sizzling, turn down the heat a touch and toss in your okra - not all at once. If it sizzles too fast, turn down your heat a lot. 

Toss the okra in the wet, then the dry, then into the oil it goes! Keep an eye on it. If it browns too quick, turn down your heat. Pull it out with a slotted spot when it's golden brown and put it in a paper towel lined bowl or basket or pin tin. I like to sprinkle a little seasoning salt on top, but taste before you do! Over-salted okra is no good. 

Brian and I cannot keeps our hands out of this before we get to the dinner table. It's just too good!

Garden Update, Early August

So here's what's going on with the garden: It's freaking hot and the bugs are EVERYWHERE. I have zero motivation to get out and weed or even pull the plants that need to be pulled. The most time I want to spend out there is to pick a few ripe tomatoes and beans and get the H out.

My summer as a fledgling Tennessee gardener isn't going as well as I had planned. I'm writing this blog post to remind my January and February self not to over plan for next year. Here's what I'm thinking right now:

More tomatoes. The tomatoes are doing really well and I would focus on the small tomatoes. The garden plot just doesn't get enough sun for the bigger varieties. There are so many different kinds of miniature tomatoes and it would be fun to explore those.

Flowers! Next year I definitely want to plant some flowers. Zinnies, Calendula, Sunflowers. I would consider using study sunflowers as support for beans.

Beans. I'd definitely grow beans again, now that mine are finally producing like crazy. I would like to try using the fence of my garden as the main supports. I think that would be a great use of my space, to run the climbing varieties around the perimeter.

And like I said before, peas. The sugar snap and snow peas were great, so I would grow those again as well, also around the perimeter of the garden.

Speaking of the amount of sunlight, I'd also like to tackle more trimming this winter. It's just too hot and buggy to spend a ton of time outside, up in the branches, right now. Winter and early spring is definitely the time to do that.

So beans and peas around the outside, flowers and tomatoes inside, with some greens maybe. My herbs are doing great on the deck and I definitely prefer to have them close to the kitchen. So that's all for this time of year in the garden!

What I Love, Mid-Summer

Our wi-fi reaches out to the garden and I often listen to podcasts out there, although right now I get in and out as fast as possible, before I'm eaten alive by mosquitoes. I mention this because my green beans must have access to the internet. No sooner than did I post their imminent destruction than lo and behold! Fully grown green beans! On the vine! Let's go, beans! 

We are in the dog days of summer here. Temps reach well into the 90's every day and it doesn't get below 75. Our play is mostly inside after dinner, and Caleb's school is mindful of that as well. So what am I loving during this hot, humid weather?

Listening: Gravy Podcast. Episode 17, A Charleston Feast for Reconciliation, is the one that struck an emotional chord in me. A dinner party mirroring a post-Civil War dinner party took place in Charleston between the murder of Walter Scott and the mass shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. To hear the host and dinner party guests speak about the need for racial reconciliation, knowing what takes places only a few weeks later, is heartbreaking. It is excellently done and I highly recommend it.

Reading: Hungry Monkey, by Matthew Amster-Burton. It's part cookbook, part memoir, which is one of my favorite types of books. Matthew writes about feeding his daughter, from the time she is born through her toddler years. It reaffirms that my kid doesn't need to eat everything (vegetables are just about gone from his plate). Caleb very well might order chicken strips for more than a few years, much like I did, and still grow up and discover condiments and Brussels sprouts in his 20's, much like I did.

Also? Don't judge, but Amish Christian fiction. I can't fully explain the appeal, except that it's a total escape from real life. There's love! And love of God, which comes so easily without any reservations or denominational infighting or theological wrestling! And lots of amazing food! I mostly read it on my Kindle so no one can see.

Cooking: On the grill. Everything, on the grill. Yes, it's hot, but it doesn't seem so bad when there are burgers and strips of squash on the grill and a sweating cocktail in your left hand. Monday night we had pimento cheeseburgers with grilled onions and peppers. I bake frozen french fries in the oven and it's a meal. Last night I tried a foil packet, stuffed with sliced potatoes, onions, bell peppers and crumbled hamburger. Half an hour of unattended time later, everything was tender and ready to eat. I might make everything in foil packets ever. Next week will include hot dogs, in an effort to use some frozen hot dog buns. I might wrap them in bacon. We'll see. I bet the Amish could use grills if they wanted.

My attempt to make ice cream every week has not been successful, but last night I finally made the Spicy Mexican Brownie Chocolate Ice Cream I've had on the brain for weeks. It was crazy good.

And that's about it as we roll into August!

 

Round Robin Catchup

I did not mean to be away this long. Let's go through all the things:

Caleb: He's 18 months old! He got tubes! It went great! Truly, while I understood the risks around even minor surgery, getting tubes was very easy for us and him. Two weeks later he's been seen by his pediatrician and his ENT specialist, with pronouncements of "ears look great!" That's something I haven't heard in over a year now, and I'm crossing my fingers that this continues.

Caleb is so much fun at 18 months old. He runs, he climbs, he sleeps, he eats, he's learning a new word every other day. Earlier in the week I had to guess how many words he can say and my mind blanked. I guessed 10. Thinking about it later though, I think it's between 25 and 30, between family names, animal names and noises, please, thank you, etc. As for what he can understand?? Everything. I'm convinced he can understand 90% of what we say clearly to him. Probably not Brian and my's dinner table conversation when we talk church and theology, but he'll follow commands like "Go find Daddy" or "Go put your shoes in their basket" or "Stop whining, what do we say?" "Please."  He whines, a lot. That's my least favorite part of this stage. He doesn't use words for whining, just a whiny noise that he makes every time he wants something. It's rough and I find myself correcting him, a lot, along the lines of "Is that how we ask for something?" Then I make him sign please, sans whiny noise. It's probably a little much to ask an 18 month old, but I don't really care. I'm probably going to be a really strict mom. Oh well. In general he's a really great kid- he plays independently while I'm making dinner, with his blocks or trucks, or flipping through his books. He loves to roughhouse with Brian or on our bed. Flipping himself onto a pile of pillows and rolling around is his favorite activity. Watching him grow and learn is constantly entertaining!

The Garden: Oh my, the garden. I really, truly thought I'd be drowning in homegrown vegetables right now, late July. Instead, no. A trickle of tomatoes and cucumbers. Here's what happened:

First zucchini plant: Voles. Planted another, still small.
Yellow Squash: Squash vine borers. Gonna pull it this weekend.
Kale/Broccoli: Bugs. Heat. Gonna pull them this weekend.
Cucumber: Was great, now wilting, and not just from the heat. We'll see what happens.
Pole Beans: Jungle-esque vines, 0 beans. I don't know if they aren't being pollinated or what, but I'm about ready to take them down.
Purple cabbage: Hopefully still forming heads...
Bush beans: Produced a few beans, but are overshadowed by tomatoes and didn't get big.
Okra: Took forever, now overshadowed and crowded by other plants. Think I'm going to transplant them into the squash spot.
Delicata: Vine still looks good
Bell Peppers: Zero peppers.
Onions: Teensy-weensy 
Tomatoes: The only thing thriving. Everything's starting to ripen. 

I'm seriously considering just planting early peas and tomatoes next year. There are so many kinds of beautiful tomatoes, maybe I'll just focus on them. This year I've got a yellow pear (so pretty!), sungolds, red cherry tomatoes, some kind of medium red tomato and the heirloom brandywines. My only tomato issue is that my stakes aren't tall enough- the tomato vines are taller than I am. Next year I would consider planting some bush tomatoes, maybe a canning variety since bush tomatoes come in all at once.

This has been a rainy year, so I'm told. It seems rainy to me, I hardly ever water my garden. The heavy mulching I did with straw a couple months ago seems to hold in the moisture well. My front garden has a couple things too, my azaleas are blooming again.

In the Kitchen: Canning! I've been bit by the canning bug again, and I've put up blueberries, strawberries and peaches. We've been grilling a lot and I'm trying to keep our meals easy and simple, at least what I consider simple. 

Weekend: We've got a fun weekend ahead of us. Family is coming in town for a Bachelor weekend my husband is hosting. Thankfully my sister-in-law is coming as well, to play with Caleb and I. We're going to break out the new baby pool I bought last weekend!

What's we're eating, Spring/Summer 2015

I started out blogging as food blogging and now...nothing! I'd like to try to get back to blogging about what we're eating. So what are we eating right now?

For one, it's getting crazy hot. That means popsicles and ice cream!

Cherry Almond Chocolate Frozen Custard - this was incredible and better yet, we were able to share it with dear friends who stayed with us Saturday night. Also for our friends I made these Strawberry Basil Margaritas. They were fantastic and they'll be my contribution to Beach Trip Drinking next week.

Strawberry - Coconut Yogurt popsicles - I worked off of these two recipes from Smitten Kitchen and Joy the Baker.

Strawberry Ice Cream, which tends to be my favorite.

It's my goal to make a new and interesting ice cream most weeks this summer. I mean, it's 90+ degrees everyday with 100% humidity and I work in the garden after Caleb goes to bed. I deserve a bowl of homemade ice cream. Next up on my list: Blueberry Cheesecake Ice Cream, also from Joy the Baker.

Dinners are the usual rotation of new items. I'm notoriously bad at repeating recipes, not when there are constantly new, delicious ones popping up on the many blogs I read! Last week we had savory breakfast for dinner, with these Bacon-Cheddar Corn Pancakes, from my favorite recipe developer at Serious Eats. Staples I fall back on fairly often are spaghetti with meatballs, a basic vegetable soup, and hamburgers on the grill. We're eating lots of grilled corn, squash and zucchini, from the farmers market. I also recently made these taquitos again- I first made them about 3 years ago, when our dear friends had their first baby. They are a baked chicken taquito, and Brian was thrilled when I pulled out a hidden pan of frozen ones this past weekend for Saturday lunch. If you're going to do all the chopping and rolling required for this recipe, double it and freeze some. I promise, you'll be sad if you don't. I also made a recipe out of the new Southern Living, Brown Sugar-Brined chicken breasts on the grill. They were fantastic.

A total fail, recently? Homemade english muffins. I won't link to the recipe, because I think it was user error. We continue to stick to the same dinner plan that I've been using for a couple years now. I plan 3 meals a week and stretch them for as long as possible. And Caleb? He eats toddler food. Blueberries, oranges, graham crackers, shredded cheese. The other night he ate 2 chicken nuggets and I was thrilled!

Mid June Garden Update

Update from the garden in June:

Voles! They're eating up the roots of my sugar snap and snow pea vines! I have to do some research on how to deal with them, but it's making me very sad. Despite the vole problem I'm getting a bumper crop of sugar snap and snow peas. I'm already thinking about how I'll plant peas next year in order to make the best use of my space. I love the branch teepees but letting them climb the side of chicken wire fence might take less space and work for the same reward. At the time, seeing them go sky high is beautiful...

I've finally put in stakes for my tomatoes. I'm going to try this trellising option...mostly because it's free. Brian made me the stakes from scrap wood in his shop. So now the tomatoes have some support. My three in the front container on our walkway already have blossoms open and tomatoes growing. I think those are sungolds, which makes sense- that variety has usually been early for me.

My cucumber has discovered the fence and is using that as support.

My herb garden is finally up and running. I've learned the hard way that herbs grow VERY slowly. It's worth it for me to buy a handful of starts in the spring. I found the sage plant this morning at the farmers market for $2. I also got a nice size bag of worm casings for $3, so most of my plants, especially the tomatoes, got a nice dressing of fertilizer tonight, with hay on top to help conserve water. It was 90 degrees today and it'll be warmer tomorrow so I expect to have to water tomorrow night.

 

All in all, I'm really happy with the state of my garden. I've put in a lot of work, starting all the way back in January when I was hacking out a huge grass plant. I hand tilled the soil and amended it. I started all these plants from seed either inside under the grow light or outside in the ground. 

What's not working right now? Okra. I think it's shaded between the tall tomato plants and beans on either side.

My Favorite Podcasts

I only recently got turned onto podcasts. This is partly because when I got a new iPhone at Thanksgiving I splurged and got the one with more memory. Before, it was difficult to have enough room for pictures, a couple of apps and something like podcasts. Now I'm all set! And with my slightly longer commute, I really enjoy something besides the commercial-heavy Nashville radio stations. I also found I really like to listen to them while gardening. Mine are mostly farming/homesteading/cooking focused, but with a surprise thrown in at the end!


So here's a roundup of my favorite podcasts:

The Beginning Farmer is hosted by Ethan Book, a small meat farmer in Iowa. I'm like an armchair farmer. I love to read about it, the challenges, the successes, the different types of animals, the work that truly goes into making a life as a farmer. And Ethan still has an off-farm job. His podcast is funny and approachable. I'm not sure I have a favorite episode, as it's a weekly detailing of life on the farm.




Homesteady is hosted by Austin Martin. His podcast is somewhat new to me, but I like his style. Each podcast is focused on a different topic, like keeping chickens or breaking homemade bread. He also does these "Campfire" episodes that are focused on storytelling and so far that's been my favorite, it's the episode titled "Pioneers." The podcast is really well done (editing, music, etc.) I would suggest it for anyone remotely interested in homesteading.




I've listened to a few of the Living Homegrown podcast, which is fairly new, there are only a few episodes out. Theresa is seriously knowledgeable and I've looking forward to learning more about the hobbies I already enjoy, like gardening and canning. My favorite episode so far is episode 1 "Why Bother with Canning?" Her passion for this hobby comes through clearly and I heard myself in her words, especially that first hot summer in Chicago that I taught myself to can.



Spilled Milk is the podcast I've been listening to the longest. Hosted by Molly Wizenberg and Matthew Amster-Burton, it's 15-20 minutes focused on one food or dish. The latest one I listened to (while vacuuming!) was on soy sauce. I learned that Kroger soy sauce is the absolute worse ever, and apparently I don't even know what I'm missing. I'll be picking up a name brand in the future. They're funny and irreverent and half the episodes get an "explicit" rating because they make dirty jokes about green beans and dissolve into giggles.


Oh my goodness, Gravy. Gravy is the podcast produced by the Southern Foodways Alliance and if I could only recommend one podcast, this might take the cake. (Or the biscuits?) Gravy comes out biweekly with a story from the South that intertwines with food. My favorite episode might be the most recent- a reporter goes to her family home of Natchez, MS, which used to be a large community of Southern Jewish families that has since died out. It's eyeopening and funny but also sad, a way of life that is almost entirely lost. Every single episode is spectacular.


Ok, and here's the wildcard! My college roommate who just came to visit turned me onto this one. I've only listened to two episodes and I'm holding off on the others to save them for our beach road trip.


Disney Story Origins. Yup. It's an absolute pleasure to listen to, these are longform journalism in podcast form (we're talking an hour plus in length). I've listened to the Pocahontas and Sleeping Beauty episodes. In both cases the history and background stories were well researched. The host is funny and sarcastic, the perfect foil for all that Disney goodness. If you like Disney movies, I would highly recommend this one.






I've got a few more I'm just getting into: NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour, the Growing Farms Podcast, WesleyCast (hello dorky Methodist!), but I haven't listened to those enough to really recommend them. Over the next couple weeks I'll be saving all my new episodes, and going through back episodes, for road trip material.

Late May in the Garden

Late May in the garden is:

Everything running rampantly green...

 I now understand the "growing like a bean stalk" metaphor. These guys are taking off up the trellis! On the right hand side of this picture you can see the delicata squash I've got started in the middle of the patch.

Hunting for cabbage worms...

In my kale, broccoli and cabbage plants. I'm spraying, but also picking off worms by hand.

Successfully growing something I've never grown before!

My sugar snap peas are just about as tall as I am and FULL of little white blossoms.

The snow peas are a dwarf variety, so they're not as tall, but also producing blossoms well.

This greens patch is about to get mostly eaten up in salads this week, to make more room for that cucumber plant in the top left. I did that on purpose! I have more lettuce and spinach coming up in a different patch.

The zucchini plant is also expanding nicely. It's in the middle of the sugar snap pea trellis. When they're done a few weeks I'll pull them out and let the zucchini get nice and big.

I have a hard time getting a great shot of the whole garden, but I love how GREEN it is! Everything is growing!

From Understanding to Faith

Another reflection on the lectionary reading.

Lately I've seen a higher number of urgent requests for prayers, both who I know and in social media: a coworker with a close friend dying, a mom with cancer, a grandparent in decline, a newborn who's not going to live. Then there were prayers of blessings I wanted to send out, healthy babies being born and celebrated. Perhaps there are always this many prayer requests in my newsfeed but I don't notice them. But I noticed them this time and I felt a little hopeless. I thought about these people and I thought about prayer the entire way home on Tuesday. I left the radio off and hoped my prayers while driving counted. I thought about the fact that a life in ministry means receiving a lot more urgent prayer requests. I thought about praying for people through social media and what does that mean?

My upbringing taught me about the power of prayer. Prayer heals all manner of sickness, physical, emotional, relational. I believe that. I believe that God hears our prayers directly from our hearts and it doesn't really matter how we say or think them in the English language. But when you're feeling weighed down it's heartening to read in your lectionary passage:

...the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit...

Romans 8: 26-27

"Intercedes with sighs too deep for words...who searches the heart..."Such beautiful words about God's relationship with us. God does not rely upon words as a method of communication. Sometimes it takes a beautiful, truthful passage like this that transforms my "understanding" that God hears our prayers (even in the car) back into faith.

Caleb - 16 Months

Caleb at sixteen months is a 2 foot tall spitfire of a child. He's off and running from the moment he awakes to the moment he goes down. We've got a fun routine where I get him up, changed and dressed for the day, then say "Go find Daddy for breakfast!" He runs as fast as he can across the length of the house to find Brian sitting in the kitchen, waiting for him and he always giggles and hollers when he sees Daddy. It's the cutest thing ever and I love that I don't have to carry him around as much. For the most part he's a happy kid, full of smiles and giggles, but that toddler stubbornness has emerged in full force. When he wants something, he can make it fully clear.

little boy, big personality

His favorite thing to do is go outside. He wants to run around, to grab dandelions, play with the other kids on our street. He wants to be taken for a ride in the stroller, and he tells you by getting the stroller and trying to pull it out of the garage himself. He prefers not to walk on the grass. He waves excitedly at anybody passing by. He assumes everyone, especially kids, want to be his friend and will walk right up to them and ask for the ball they are playing with. He runs with abandon, propelling those tiny legs forward with no regard for the hard pavement below.

A special treat: homemade strawberry ice cream

His favorite foods continue to be fruit: applesauce, mandarin orange. And french fries. He's shown an interest in my green smoothies, mostly because they taste like fruit! And yogurt, he'll eat an entire cup for a snack. The new food I was surprised by with him is corn dogs. That kid will eat a corn dog like nobody's business. He's still at the stage where, when he's full, he's full. There's no, "but I want dessert."

Daddy's little helper in the workshop

Post-dinner is chase time. No matter when we are, when he's done, he expects someone to get up and chase him around. Maybe this is what they do at school? It's certainly what he does with Daddy!

A rare Mommy-baby photo

We've quit bottles altogether, as of a couple weeks ago. We no longer have to do a "nighttime" drink. He's still in cloth diapers on the weekends (pray Jesus for saving money on diapers.) He's not talking much at all yet, but he's babbling like crazy in long sentences. I swear, when he does start talking it's going to be in full sentences, not a word here and there. He loves his sleep and continues to be the best baby when it comes to sleeping.

Mondays are hard, yo...

As always, it seems like the current stage is the best stage, even if we're seeing defiance in our little guy's eyes. We can't wait to start on swim lessons, take Caleb to the beach and see what words he starts with first...

Reading in his underwear. As you do.

Self-care, the church and holding it together

I recently had a meeting with my pastors and a church committee in which I was asked about self-care. You have to understand that this was a meeting to hear about my call to ministry and it had completely come off the rails. Since then I've been doing a lot of prayer and introspection about why that meeting was so difficult and I've come up a few understandable reasons, but back to the question of self-care.

Self-care?? I have no idea what look I gave my pastor because I was mostly trying not to cry at that moment, but he oh so helpfully responded "You know, they'll want to hear if you spend 30 minutes on the bike in the evening or something." Thirty minutes on a bike?? In the evening?? I thought. Do you people not understand that I have a full time job, a child, a husband, meals to be made, a house to be kept somewhat clean and I'm about to take on seminary? I'm going to need to join a gym to check mark a box for ordination??? I attempted to quiet my brain. Just get through this meeting, Amy. Breathe, focus, you're almost done. 

I'm not really sure what happened between then and when the committee (all of whom, except for my pastors, I'd never met or seen before) prayed over me, but I did finally get to gather up my shredded diginity and flee. (I headed home. It was my husband's birthday. I really, really tried not to make it all about my awful meeting and ruin it, but I totally failed. It was a rough day.) It was a few more days before I could muster the courage to email my pastor and ask for a lunch meeting to dissect the humiliation of this meeting. She told me to be kind to myself. With the exception of letting the housework pile up, where my kindness grows in abundance, that's not my strong suit.

But I was still thinking about self care. It's a question I'm going to have to answer in the future. The first things that come to mind is therapy and working out. It makes me want to roll my eyes. I've never had therapy, I didn't grow up in a family that utilizes it. It was something that people on tv, wealthy people, people with a lot of time on their hands, used. I now have lots of friends that utilize therapy as part of self-care and I respect that, but I haven't dipped into those waters yet. And working out? That goes back to the issue of 24 hours in a day and my lack of motivation. But I kept thinking about what self-care really means, beyond the surface, and here's what I see in my life as self-care. I think it's a pretty damn good list.

1: Sleep. I prioritize sleep and a consistent sleep schedule. We do this for Caleb and for ourselves. Our house is a sleeping house.
2: Eat. I eat good, wholesome food, most of which I make from scratch myself, which brings me to my next point:
3: Hobbies. I practice regularly at hobbies that I love. These include cooking, gardening, reading and writing. Yes, I make meals because otherwise my family wouldn't eat, but that's a task I take joy in, most of the time. Yesterday I made queso fresco for a corn salad. There's fresh cheese sitting in my fridge. It's delicious and I relished the quiet time I spent at the stove stirring warm milk and lemon juice into cheese curds.
4: Family. I have a healthy, happy marriage with my husband. We treasure one another and our time together. We practice relationship care by prioritizing time together and treating each other with respect and extra kindness. We keep the lines of communication open. I find joy in playing with Caleb, listening to him giggle, watching him explore. We keep our family ties strong and pray with our families and ask them to pray for us.
5: Body Image Balance. For the first time in probably 10 years, I don't have a gym membership and I don't feel guilty about it. I take long walks with my husband, get in my 7000-10,000 steps a day, I've lost the baby weight (I mean seriously, that's an accomplishment) and I feel good about my body.
6. Friends. I have a group of women friends that are active in the life of the church. They are a support group I can go to with questions about seminary and ministry. They pray for me and I for them. They babysit my son when our life gets chaotic.

The young woman in me wants to apologize for this list, or make concessions to the criticisms I already hear in my head: "You can't do this all and seminary. This will all change when you start school. Basically your family with starve September - May and your marriage will crumble. You will have no idea what's happening on all your favorite shows. You can't do it." To which I say: "I'll figure out. I always have. Leave me alone."

The "idea" of self-care can be a scary closet monster that might come out and bite you if you don't follow a prescribed routine. But the older I get, the more I can believe that there isn't one right answer for a problem. There certainly isn't here. This is my current version of self-care and it's working pretty damn well.

Family Togetherness Weekend

It's 6:30 am on Sunday morning. I'm at my desk in our makeshift office, looking at out at the sunrise over our front yard. It's been such a wonderful weekend so far, and I'm reflecting on why that is.

Our Saturday could have looked very different. I woke up stressed about going to the grocery store. This is highly unusual for me: I go to the grocery store every weekend, but I was worried about potential road closures on the highway, about the length of the grocery list and how much I'd have to spend, and spending so much time away from Brian and Caleb. So I did what any normal mom would do: I begged Brian to come with me. "Can we please make it a family trip??" So we did, and while I don't think it'll be an every weekend routine, it was so nice, the three of us making the grocery store rounds. Caleb loves to observe people and take in the world around him, so this is right up his alley.

We had a fun day of playing and around 5pm we left for a friend's birthday party. Earlier in the week we thought I might go by myself, but I asked Brian if he would consider having all of us go together. Starting at 6, with a 7pm bedtime for Caleb, was a dicey but we decided to risk it anyway. Again, totally the right decision. Caleb was a little love, warming up to everyone quickly and eating more sugar in the form of Rice Krispy treats than I think he's ever had at one at time. He was quite the little entertainer. We ended up not getting home until 7:45, and after a quick bath that resulted in Caleb laying down in my nap still dripping wet, we bundled him swiftly off to bed.

At the end of the day I told Brian I was so glad this day didn't go the other way: Where I did the grocery run by myself, gone for two hours of the morning. Where I left at dinnertime, missing bedtime (again), off to the party by myself. The three of us had such a sweet time together and I'm just about ready for our Sunday to unfold the same way!

We managed to color coordinate on Friday morning.

Late April Garden

 A lot of work happened in garden last week and this past weekend. We are officially past the frost-free date, even if we're having a cool week with highs in the 60's and lows in the 40's. Next week we should be back up in the 70's and my garden will really get to growing!

This weekend I planted okra, bush beans and pole beans, all seed, not plants. I was excited a few weeks ago and planted bush beans and they never germinated, so we'll see if this round is better. I planted a summer squash, lettuce, spinach and cucumbers, and some of those have started to germinate less than a week later. The lettuce and spinach are between the cucumber plants, so by the time they need a lot of space, the greens should be done growing.

I also put in a Major Wheeler Coral Honeysuckle at the far end of my vegetable garden, to climb up the chicken wire fence and help attract bees and other beneficial creatures. This is a non-invasive honeysuckle perfectly suited for our climate. The highly invasive yellow and white Japanese honeysuckle has come into bloom in our area and you can see it all over, including parts of our yard. I'll make sure it doesn't invade my vegetable garden.

 

I did, in fact, buy a Monrovio honeysuckle, so I don't feel bad stealing their photo.

I've got pea aphids on my snap peas, so I'll be figuring out how to get rid of those. I might just use water and a q-tip to brush them off, since it isn't a huge invasion.  The peas are about 6 inches high, and I'll be training them to climb up their teepees.

I also planted the beginnings of an herb garden up on our deck. I now have 4 planters that sit up on the fence, so I have basil, lemon verbena, thyme, chives and rosemary planted. Parsley and cilantro are planted in the big garden. My mom brought me a rhubarb from their house in Wisconsin, so that's in the ground. Fingers crossed it survives! I also caught sight of what might be a wild raspberry cane near the rhubarb, so I'll be keeping a close watch.

Rhubarb, adjusting to the South

When I was cleaning out the vegetable garden a few weeks ago, I kept tossing out the old leaves and straw and whatnot. That pile of nearly composted leaves sat in the grass for far too long. Yesterday I grabbed a rake to finally fix the eyesore, only to find I had completely killed the grass in a 3 foot wide circle. So now I'm trying to decide what to do with it, on the cheap. I saw the other day that I've got a peony languishing in the shade of our side yard, so I think I might move it there, where it will get significantly more sun. I've also got lavender and marigold seeds, and I'm wondering if it might be fun to try sunflowers. The peony will bloom sooner than those plants. I'm planning on taking over the grass from most of that part of the lawn anyway, so starting now isn't really a problem. A plant, some seeds and a little mulch might just turn that eyesore into the beginning of a pretty spot.

Oh! And- there's a lot going on right now- my tomato seedlings are still indoors, still growing. And a nice red bell pepper seedling. Only a couple more weeks before I need to make some serious space for them!

Spring in Tennessee

I keep having this thing where I don't know what month it is. It's May or June? Because it's so warm out, and the trees have leafed out and my husband mowed the lawn last weekend. No? It's April. Right. This is the South. The dogwoods and azaleas are blooming. Right now. Spring by tax day!!

I'm so grateful. Honestly, that's what I feel when I step outside, and it's warm and sunny and things are blooming. Here's my garden, mid-April:

Done tilling

With straw down for the pathways. I joked that with the chicken wire and the clean, bright straw, it looks like a set of "Oklahoma!"

I'm done tilling. All 8 beds are ready for planting. The snow and sugar snap peas are coming up. Seedlings of broccoli, red cabbage, parsley, onions and some peppers are in. I laid the straw down on Sunday afternoon in anticipation of all the rain this week: saved me from the weeds and mud completely taking over. There will still be weeds, mind you, but doesn't it look presentable?

I freely admit that there are things I still miss about the Midwest. Rhubarb, for one. We had a booming plant in my parents' backyard. My mom is going to bring me a plant next week, but it'll be fingers crossed on if it survives here. It's not cut out for Southern climes. Lilacs, for another. I don't see them down here and it makes me sad. And ramps! I had a wonderful secret ramp patch in my parents' neighborhood. I've been keeping my eyes open on our walks by the woods and nothing. Nada. No ramps.

I'm sure the pain of missing these things will be lessened as I enjoy our beautiful Tennessee spring. And if I get tomatoes before July...that'll be the cherry (tomato) on top!

Tomato seedlings, under the grow light. There are 26. I'm probably going to put in 18 (2 squares worth).